I always feel overwhelmed when I actually want to write a blog on my blogger. As in, I've neglected it for so long (since August at least, and that really wasn't an epic entry) that I must fill my feeble numbered readers in on all the aspects of my life. And, yes... that is a seriously daunting task. In fact, as time has progressed since I started writing blogs and posting random shit on the internets, that I kinda protect certain amounts of my life as I want them to remain private. As in, I will blog the shit out of sport and art things, but when it comes to more personal matters, I'm apt to stay hush. And maybe that's why there have been so few posts? Maybe I've just been wrapped up in personal matters and not willing to overtly share them with the world?
I mean, don't take that the wrong way. Things have been great, better than great really. The skies have been a brighter shade of blue, the birds sing sweeter songs, and all the lights on the road were green. Yeah, I've been busy. We've been busy. Wrapped up in a hectic summer and early fall of bike racing and paddling, shows, appointments, games, etc. I was really looking forward to winter, having it all slow down and things get back to normal. And then well, while wrapped up busy in my own shit... I got a sucker punch to the gut. A left hook that I never saw coming.
It's easy not to blog when things are great. It's hard to keep from blogging when your mind in wrapped up in multiple conversations, memories and thoughts. And, one to never have a best friend that I share all my thoughts and secrets with, I turn to writing to get thoughts out of my head. It's just a way that I process things. Once they are out on paper (as a way of speaking) I can get them out of my head. And what I don't share, I tend to internalize and shut down when under distress. As, I may not really show what's going on... so I'm trying to be better about that (on and off the internets). I'm not going to go into full full disclosure here, once again.. that privacy thing, but hell... life is a bitch sometimes.
So, things have changed for me again. I've always been a pretty solo straight shooter. Very assure of who I am as a person and what I want out of my life. In fact, I'd peg me one of the most self-aware and self assured person I know. Basically, I can imagine that this self-confidence maybe slightly intimidating to others who are not so sure of themselves and where they stand in the world. A few years ago I got into a very deep relationship where I learned (by a lot of trial and error) how to function as a unit. How to not be so independent and self serving, and how to think of someone other than myself and my dog. I'd like to think that I progressed by great leaps and bounds and gave myself fully to the cause. It's funny to think that I never used to hug people, and now I hug my friends all the time.
However, what happens when you invest yourself fully, and fully isn't good enough or not what that other person finally decides they want? I have no regrets about anything, but I realize to a certain extent that there wasn't too much more of me to give. In my closest relationships I am very face value, what you see is what you get. However, at the same time to many people I am very layered, as in I can tell you everything... but at the same time tell you nothing at all. I can imagine very honestly, that on a very personal level, that it's hard for some people to know which jennlevo they are getting. So the case may be that you are in fact, getting all of jenn... and yet you think you're getting layered jenn, you may be slightly disappointed. You may always be thinking that there is more or that there are things I am hiding whilst the opposite is true.
I have never been a fiery personality. My family is not a warm family. We have lots of love and get along swimmingly, but we don't bear hug. In line with my father the most, I avoid drama and I don't yell and argue about things that aren't worth it in the long run. I don't deal with stressors in my life emotionally, I deal with things logically. And yes, this may make me appear to be "emotionally distant"... but I just process on another level. I feel so much and yet at the same time, show so little. I always admired people who were strong and cool under pressure, the Scandinavian ideal. I always wished for these attributes in myself and well... I guess I got my wish. In fact, the irony of the situation is that these things were used against me, my achilles heel. One would think we could all use less drama in our lives right? That these would be ideal attributes in a partner... and well, I was cut because I didn't create enough drama.
But the thing is I will never be fiery, I can work on expressing my feelings more... yes. But the fact of the matter is I am who I am, and I am happy with the person I am. There is so much talk out there about people finding themselves, when the truth of the matter is you actually have to CREATE yourself. You could spend your life looking in every nook, every cranny, under every rock and in every relationship trying to find yourself, trying on different coats to see which one suits you best. And if you go that route, you will waste your life, you will never really be satisfied, you will only put on the coats that you come across. I think the secret to knowing who you really are is learning how to make the coat that fits you best. Of course it takes time to gather all the material, to learn how to sew, to make alterations along the way... but then one day when it all comes together, you realize the coat vanishes and there you are, naked.
Naked but completely comfortable in your own skin. All you have is all you need.
I applaud the need to find oneself, but if you are always searching then you will never find it. I don't want to stand in anyone's way of them becoming the person they were meant to be, but all I ask is that you don't drag other people through the process. Don't drag other people through a dream of "it all working out" only to decide that the coat you found and wore for three years didn't fit. And if you need help making your coat, ask. There are people there to help you along the way. But don't expect them to just know how to help. Everyone's coat is different and different people can help in different ways, but you need to ask for help sometimes.
And at the end of the day, at the end of your life, you just hope that you can find someone who likes your coat regardless of it's color, the wear and tear, and the years of use. You hope that when that person looks at your coat, they don't see a coat at all, no layers, naked... they just see you.
.....
I wrote you messages in the sand and then the waves came and washed them away, as quick as you washed the dreams I had for the both of us away.
